Running around bone on bone is NO FUN! And operating in our relationships bone on bone is even less enjoyable. One of the primary benefits of clearly establishing and publishing our values, ethos, or guiding principles—whether in life, in our families, or in business—is that it puts cartilage in our relationships. It acts as a buffer, allowing us to point to the agreed-upon ethos statement or shared value(s) as the basis of the conversation, rather than making harsh, accusative “I” statements.
When disagreements or challenges arise, instead of pointing fingers with statements like “You did this” or “You are the problem,” we can point to the shared value and say, “I’d like to have a discussion on this value.” By making the value the arbitrator, we’re able to diffuse hot emotions and prevent unnecessary strain on the relationship. This is one of the main reasons I love values—they serve as the lubricant that keeps our relationships moving smoothly and mostly pain-free.
As I shared in The ZigZag Principle, Second Edition, which was published last month, one of the most powerful aspects of implementing value screening is its ability to buffer conflicts. When conflicts arise, instead of immediately placing blame, we can reference our agreed values and use them to guide the discussion. It’s not about you versus me; it’s about aligning with the ethos we’ve committed to. I love it when my team members approach me with value concerns. And when I mess up, I’m the first to apologize and commit to doing better. This creates a safe space for everyone—myself included—to address issues without defensiveness. Values and Ethos don’t just hold the team accountable; they hold everyone, including the leader, accountable.
A quote from Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High resonates deeply with this approach: “The first principle of dialogue—Start with the heart—is about making the focus of your attention the shared interests you have with others.” By focusing on shared values rather than individual grievances, we can have complex discussions that are constructive rather than combative.
So, as you navigate the art of having those tough conversations, remember to put cartilage in the joints of your relationships. Establish your guiding values and use them as your compass. For more insights on setting frameworks in your family and business, check out LegadoFamily.com and my upcoming book, Blindsighted. You can find these and more at RichChristiansen.com.
All My Best,
Rich
