Satan’s Sharpest Pokey Weapon: Why Guilt and Shame Never Create Lasting Change

The weapons? Guilt and shame.

This week I met with three different individuals. Bright-eyed. Brilliant. Good people doing real good in the world. Perfect? Of course not. But they are striving to live good, clean lives. They are earnestly seeking deep relationships. They are attempting to build meaningful companies and organizations. They are sincerely trying to make change inside broken infrastructures.

Three remarkable people. Three people I absolutely want inside my tribe. And inevitably, as each conversation went deeper and they opened up, all three described essentially the same struggle: guilt and shame. Different stories. Different circumstances. Same suppressive weapons.

If you look at David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness, guilt and shame sit at the very bottom of his scale. Whether or not you subscribe to that particular model, I believe there is something profoundly true in the observation. Guilt and shame suppress. They shrink us. They cripple our ability to move, create, connect, repair, and become.

Now let me get personal. Above all, I am a Christian. At the very epicenter of my life sits Jesus Christ. And yet, far too often, Christian cultures, churches, families, and households have used guilt and shame as motivational tools. We weaponize them to try to force behavior.

I want to say this next sentence as boldly as I possibly can: STOP IT!

Stop it with yourself. Stop it with your children. Stop it with your spouse. Stop it with the people you lead, mentor, teach, and love.

I do not believe guilt and shame are the doctrine of Christ. I believe they are among Satan’s sharpest pokey weapons. Who wants to follow Satan? Not me!

Christ’s invitation is to come, change, repent, heal, grow, forgive, love, and become.

There is a HUGE difference between accountability and shame. Accountability says, “I made a mistake. I need to own it, repair what I can, learn from it, and do better.” Shame says, “I am the mistake.” One creates movement. The other creates paralysis.

I can speak pretty boldly about this because it is something I have had to actively work on in my own life. What I have discovered is that many times, when guilt and shame show up with enormous force in adulthood, they are connected to a vulnerable part of ourselves that was never fully seen, understood, loved, or reassured.

And these patterns can become deeply embedded in families, religions, and cultures. I spoke with an Italian Catholic this week, and we laughed about how guilt can sometimes feel almost as embedded in the cultural DNA as pasta and gelato.

Now, pasta and gelato? DELICIOUS! Mama mia! Let’s put MORE of those into the ethos. But let’s extract the guilt and shame.

And please don’t misunderstand me. I am NOT proposing a life without accountability. When we make a mistake, acknowledge it. Own it. Apologize. Make restitution where needed. Learn. Change. Do better.

But most of us already know when we screwed up. What we usually do not need is a double scoop of browbeating with shame sprinkles on top. Instead, how about a double helping of hope, belief, encouragement, and maybe some delicious gelato? Now we’re talking!

That is how we create lasting change. Beating, whipping, browbeating, belittling, and belligerent behavior may temporarily force compliance, but they rarely create deep and lasting transformation.

Hope does. Belief does. Love does. Grace does. Accountability wrapped in love does.

And yes, we CAN change. We can break patterns. We can change trajectories. We can become healthier, freer, more loving human beings.

That is part of why I have found the work of Kate Mulholland so meaningful. Her approach has helped me think more deeply about the patterns we carry, where they come from, and how we might begin to loosen their grip. I will share more about her work soon, because I believe it may be helpful for others who are wrestling with these same layers of guilt and shame.

If you are trying to change your trajectory, break a stubborn negative pattern, or understand the burdens you have been carrying for years, I invite you to explore her work and see whether it resonates with you.

For today, however, my invitation is much simpler. Pay attention to the weapon you are holding. If it is guilt or shame, put the dang thing down. Especially when you are pointing it at yourself.

Let’s do better. Let’s be better. Let’s give the people around us a little more hope, a little more belief, a little more love, and a whole lot more grace. And for heaven’s sake, let’s remember to give some of that grace to ourselves.

Less guilt. Less shame. More hope. More love. More grace.

And whenever possible…

more gelato.

Rich Christiansen