Boundaries Are How You Love Yourself

Let me put this delicately. The room was not built for children.

During construction, there was even a conversation with the builder about installing a secure lock on the door so that only adults could access the room. I could see the wisdom in that idea. Suffice it to say, the builder won that particular debate and no lock was installed.

This past week all the grandchildren were over at the house, and the game room quickly turned into exactly what you might expect when young children encounter pool balls, arcade games, and a glowing pinball machine. Pool balls were flying onto the table with great enthusiasm. The pinball machine was getting pounded like it was a carnival game. My perfect and beautiful grandchildren were doing what energetic children do best. They were absolute little Tasmanian devils.

At one point I walked into the room and said that Grandpa wanted to join the round of pinball.

My amazing, charismatic, strong willed little granddaughter looked up and confidently replied, “No, Grandpa. This round is for kids only.”

For a moment I paused and felt that familiar impulse to simply acquiesce. It would have been easy to smile, step back, and let the moment pass.

Then something inside of me spoke very clearly. If I did not set a boundary in that moment, I would not be modeling the right behavior for them, for my sons, or for myself.

So I clapped my hands and said, “Everyone, listen for a moment.”

The room quieted down.

“This room was built so I could play and bond with my sons. Grandpa bought that very expensive pinball machine, and anytime Grandpa says he wants to play, he gets to play.”

My granddaughter looked up at me with complete sincerity and asked, “So this rule is for everyone but me, right?”

I looked her straight in the eyes while holding her close and said, “No, sweetheart. This rule is especially for you.”

For a brief moment everyone paused, and then the entire energy of the room shifted.

What surprised me most was what happened inside of me. A deep sense of peace came over me. The little child inside me that sometimes remembers feeling excluded or left out suddenly calmed down because I had protected him.

Even my two sons who were standing in the room came up and hugged me. They understood what had just happened. They knew that the room represented something important to me. It was a space where I wanted to connect with them, laugh with them, and create memories together.

The grandchildren also learned something important in that moment. They learned that spaces, relationships, and things we value sometimes need guardrails.

This was honestly difficult for me to do. I would throw myself in front of a moving train for my grandchildren. I would lay on acid baked nails for my family and they know it. There is almost nothing I would not endure to love and protect them. But love without boundaries eventually creates confusion.

Without guardrails, life becomes emotional chaos. Everything blends together into a messy soup where no one quite knows where the lines are or what truly matters.

Many of the most empathetic and kind people I know struggle with this idea of boundaries. I certainly do. When you care deeply about others, drawing a line can feel uncomfortable.

Yet when we fail to protect the things that matter most to us, we often end up violating the deeper parts of ourselves.

So I invite you to get clear about your values. Know the things that matter deeply to you. Then have the courage to place gentle but firm guardrails around those areas of your life. You do not have to be harsh or rigid. You do not need to become a tyrant.

But when you protect what matters most, something remarkable happens. Peace begins to settle in. Clarity returns. And the people who truly love you often feel safer because the boundaries are clear.

Boundaries are how you love yourself, and they are also how you show others that you love them.

With clarity,
Rich Christiansen